Legislation Mandates Exertion Monitoring to Control CO2

A bill, recently passed through both houses of Congress will, for the first time, impose monitored limits upon human exertion in an effort to reduce harmful CO2 into the atmosphere. 

"The resting exhalation level of human CO2 release is approximately 1 kg per day.  At this resting level, the CO2 exchange between human and environment (through consumption of meat and vegetables) is, for the most part, neutral.  However, increased physical exhertion to the target heart rate heightens the release of CO2 to a positive polution rate of 6% per day.

Given the current population of 6.7 billion people, and given the extraordinary challenges we are now facing because of global warning, it is incumbent upon leading nations to take steps to reduce human exertion to the carbon neutral resting rate release."  ~Dr. Wayne Feller (testifying before Congress)

The legislation proposes the following:

• A 15% tax levied upon the healthclub industry as well as new licensing procedures required for the opening of all new clubs.  All clubs will be required to submit, on an annual basis, customer attendance records which will also be submitted by customers with annual tax returns.
• Tax breaks for labor intensive companies that agree to limit operations to two six-hour shifts per day.
• Reducing hours of accessibility at all national parks.  Tax incentives for states and municipalities that do the same at all state and municipal parks.
• Issuance of high-tech pedometers to all citizens to be used in qualifying for a federal tax credit.
• Modification of income tax forms for the reporting of annual exhertion-induced CO2 release to be documented by healthclub reporting and government-issue pedometer readings.

When asked about the inevitable impact of this legislation on obesity rates, one congressman responded, "To some extent, this is a concern which will be addressed by companion legislation focusing on food manufacturers and the restaurant industry.  But, we also recognize that, within reason, a heavier population is a slower population, and this contributes to the success of the legislation passed today."

This is one more example of American liberty being stipped away in the name protecting "Mother Earth."  Government is now finding ways to monitor our movement.

"The passage of this bill adds to the assurance that our children and our children's children will inherit from us a temperate earth with clear skies, lush green forests, wetlands teeming with life, all joined together in a chorus of hope for the continuing presence of a kind and ecologically senstive human race upon the planet."  ~Sylvia McMann (speaking to a reporter after passage of the legislation).

Comments

[Ann]

Are you entirely serious? This has to be a joke.

[Bill Huffhine]

Hey Ann!

Let not your heart be troubled. This is merely the product of my brief wanderings into the land of satire.

But...would it really be that shocking?

[Ann]

That was awesome! It's funny to think about. It's not that far off from the light bulbs. Wow. I really enjoyed your satire. Seriously. It was quite believable, except that it was unbelievable, which tipped me off!!!

[Bill Huffhine]

Hey Ann!

Thanks! I thought the line, "a heavier population is a slower population, and this contributes to the success of the legislation passed today," was rather humorous...if I do say so myself.